christinajean: I am not a homebody, and there is nothing I dislike more than staying indoors when there are worlds out there to explore. But today, I am sick and stuck in bed. So, I thought I would alleviate my boredom by making this portrait of one of my bffls 4 ever, miss yvonen. She’s pretty much the best and I love her and can’t wait to see her this summer :) My incredibly talented artist best friend of 10 years, Christina, drew me!!!!!!! I feel like a rock star. Thanks for including my signature necklace and my signature cleavage, boo. You know me too well! (You also made my hair more manageable. I love it. And don’t think I didn’t notice the detailing on the dress. I SEE ALL!)

christinajean:

I am not a homebody, and there is nothing I dislike more than staying indoors when there are worlds out there to explore. But today, I am sick and stuck in bed. So, I thought I would alleviate my boredom by making this portrait of one of my bffls 4 ever, miss yvonen. She’s pretty much the best and I love her and can’t wait to see her this summer :)

My incredibly talented artist best friend of 10 years, Christina, drew me!!!!!!! I feel like a rock star.

Thanks for including my signature necklace and my signature cleavage, boo. You know me too well! (You also made my hair more manageable. I love it. And don’t think I didn’t notice the detailing on the dress. I SEE ALL!)

I can’t wait to have a home of my own

somewhere I know I’ll stay for more than a year, somewhere that’s not a cramped dorm room, somewhere where I can hang art on the walls and buy guest toiletries for the bathroom and finally invest in pretty plates and all the things I ignore now because there’s no way I could move all that shit safely from somewhere I only live in for a couple of semesters at best.

I can’t wait to have a place I can care about enough to really make mine. It’s my biggest post-grad dream.

Not going to lie, I have a lot of problems envisioning relationships that don’t have endpoints. How do people not get sick of each other? Won’t little problems eventually fracture out into breaking factors? The problem is that what I’m really internalizing isn’t that all relationships are doomed to fail. I just have this delusion that I can’t maintain a healthy long-term relationship, despite the fact that all of my previous relationships have been fairly long-term (1-2.5 years). I am a lot of person to handle. How much crazy is too much crazy to dump onto someone who is supposed to love you? Am I building this up too much, to the point where when it crashes it’s going to crash hard? Am I delusional illusional melodramatic inconsistent needy clingy manipulative bossy all-absorbing dependent troublesome inconsiderate selfish unhealthy? I’ve been called all those things, and maybe I am.

And when am I going to be able to suck it up and say: my present doesn’t have to follow the same trajectories as my past. Things will last or they won’t but it doesn’t matter what this outcome grows to. I have the capacity to be with someone fully and healthily, and it is ridiculous to let isolated events convince me that I don’t have this capability.

This has been another edition of Things I Say And Mean That I Really Should Start Believing. Because there’s a difference between knowing what good advice is and internalizing it. Goddamn brain-heart dissonance. Motherfucking relationship anxiety. My mind can go to hell.

Top after-sex mistakes revealed!

I love this article for making me LOL all morning. Lets see how our after-sex behaviors measure up!

  • Falling asleep at once - Allll the time. The only downside to morning sex: it makes it incredibly difficult to actually get up. Sex is tiring, guys! Being tired out is actually kind of a compliment from my perspective.
  • Making way for washroom - You should actually probably do this. Peeing after sex reduces chances of getting UTIs! This is important, because UTIs suck some serious balls. Nothing like the feeling of being stabbed in the bladder every time you want to pee.
  • Calling a friend - this is maybe not as much of regular occurrence in our sex life. But in so far as “picking up a phone call from his mother…during sex…and then continuing while talking” has been a thing, I’m down with this. Ain’t no thang.
  • Heading towards study or work - more like “Heading towards Reddit and Tumblr”, but yes x 10000. Post-sex naked Internet activity is a great thing.
  • Sleeping separately - okay, not this one
  • Bringing kids to sleep along - or this one, since we don’t have kids
  • Eating another meal- ALWAYS. I like to call it the fucking-eating cycle. And it is pretty much the best thing ever. A girl’s gotta eat.
So…we do most of these things on the regular. And I am 100% okay with that. In fact, I kinda feel sorry for couples who feel like they can’t wipe cum off of themselves/head to the kitchen for a snack/fall into a full-body-exhaustion snooze without mortally offending their partner. Best mistakes ever.

Harrison Rejected My Idea For His Mother’s Day Card

“If I ever squeeze a little person out of my urethra, I hope he loves me as much as I love you!”

Harrison doesn’t understand real sentiment.

Sometimes I feel like I need this to survive. Like I can’t come to a medium point where I just coexist with people who have fucked me over. I need to actively hate every single part of them.  I have to be polarized because that’s the only way I can rationalize what happened. They fucked up because they were fucked-up and I fucking hate them. Lately, carrying around all this hate has continued to make me miserable. It’s true what they say, I guess, its hurting me more than it hurts anyone else. But I can’t think about certain people and events without being filled with hate and disgust and I don’t know how to let that go. I don’t know how to be a strong person without using hate as my defense. I don’t know how else to tell you that you fucked up enough for me to need all this hate.

Sometimes I feel like I need this to survive. Like I can’t come to a medium point where I just coexist with people who have fucked me over. I need to actively hate every single part of them.  I have to be polarized because that’s the only way I can rationalize what happened. They fucked up because they were fucked-up and I fucking hate them.

Lately, carrying around all this hate has continued to make me miserable. It’s true what they say, I guess, its hurting me more than it hurts anyone else. But I can’t think about certain people and events without being filled with hate and disgust and I don’t know how to let that go. I don’t know how to be a strong person without using hate as my defense. I don’t know how else to tell you that you fucked up enough for me to need all this hate.

(via julyanomsaway)

Gianna finally showed me her student film, VICTOR! It is the lolziest. I had a ton of fun shooting this, because I may be a shitty actor (rewatching this definitively proves that), but I do like running around with men in masks, doing various fun montage-y things. That, and Gianna is a great director. Did I also mention there’s a murder? And a flour fight? And some cannibal hookers? BECAUSE THERE ARE.

Two years ago I was throwing up everything I ate and beating myself up for indulging in desserts. Tonight I am on my second brownie of the day and I don’t give a fuck. Progress is beautiful.

Two years ago I was throwing up everything I ate and beating myself up for indulging in desserts. Tonight I am on my second brownie of the day and I don’t give a fuck. Progress is beautiful.

(Source: skeleton-ized, via controlledbyapill)

Oh yeah and also my boyfriend graduated from college this weekend apparently that’s supposed to be a big deal or something but idk I’m just like whatever Here’s a picture of him wearing Aneliese’s shorts cause he thinks that’s hip or summthin Please gurl didn’t anyone tell you neons are so last summer

Oh yeah and also my boyfriend graduated from college this weekend apparently that’s supposed to be a big deal or something but idk I’m just like whatever

Here’s a picture of him wearing Aneliese’s shorts cause he thinks that’s hip or summthin

Please gurl didn’t anyone tell you neons are so last summer

If being an adult means I have to go downstairs to get my clothes out of the dryer

then I don’t wanna get out of my warm bed :(

[tw: rape culture] When I was seventeen

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The first thing I did after getting home from Aneliese’s birthday night, post traditional “OH MY GOD I JUST GOT OFF THE T AND ALL I NEED TO DO IS PEE MY INSIDES OUT”, was sit on the couch and take photos of myself on Photo Booth.

Me: “Does this make me super vain?”
Harrison: “Yeah, a little.”
Me: “Yes that is true but I don’t think you understand I am BEDECKED IN VELVET and also my Asian glow has subsided from my face although not my mind and therefore it is important that I remember what I look like now!” 

I am super-vain, guys. Just gonna be straight. I really do love this dress, though. I wore it all day Saturday as well, and when Eliott asked me what the “special occasion” was, my answer was “…staying at home all day playing video games and drinking rosé from Trader Joe’s”.

NO SHAME!

Gurlz on da terrace before Formal!

remembering how lucky I am

  • I have fabulous roommates
  • BDU Formal went unexpectedly wonderfully
  • I wore a velvet dress that cost me $6 at Savers
  • I got the Radcliffe Hicks Service Prize for this year, which also means $1500 in the bank
  • I haven’t needed a benzo binge in I-can’t-even-remember-how-long
  • Had a great weekend: going out for Aneliese’s birthday, chilling with Taylor, going to Molly’s senior harp recital, eating large amounts of Italian sausage
  • The weather is getting nice enough to wear cute things!
  • I’m having the best sex of my life. For srs.
  • I have an interview for my first-choice summer job tomorrow
  • This weekend I get to go to the Cape with Harrison & his parents, and maybe his Harvard kr3w
  • JORDAN IS GOING TO DRIVE ME TO TARGET AGAIN (!!!)
  • I have enough free time to spend forever on Tumblr

words & turds: i was feeling really terrible this morning, so i took a warm bath...

wordsandturds:

i was feeling really terrible this morning, so i took a warm bath while listening to nsync and backstreet boys and downed half a bottle of wine. (like ya do)

i couldn’t stop considering how i occupy the minds of lovers past. don’t you ever wonder how you live in someone’s heart? it hurt me today to think that i might not live there anymore, but he still takes up valuable real estate in my brain. he rented it once, is it now uninhabitable by anyone else?

i couldn’t stop thinking about his new girl and how she had (has) the ability to wipe all traces of me entirely.

and then i realized,

they’re in love. they might get married and have children.

but i still have so many places to go.

she doesn’t have the ability to go where i am going. she can’t take him there. i couldn’t have either.

(bolded emphasis mine)

in order for my brain to reset itself i had to put up blocks. focus on the bad. i realized that we’d been living in a honeymoon and there wasn’t enough there to sustain the greater dreams we had. the circumstances of our breakup & the way she broke the news were marked on the day my friends and family told me: no one who cares about you in any capacity would write you something like this; these are not nice things to do. everything about me seemed erased in her heart so i tried to do anything i could to violently stab pins through the parts of mine she inhabited. it was a very immature response on my part, but one provoked by irresponsible actions that still hurt, and hard, today.

it is so difficult for me to believe anyone again when they tell me they are willing to cope with all my crazy. but every day i come to the conclusion that maybe she meant well, but she just wasn’t mature enough to follow through. and that is okay and not a crime. maybe one day i will be able to internalize that enough to handle being in the same spaces as her, but i don’t have to make that my priority. now i have people who understand so much more about how to help, and i move forwards every day, and where i’m going is going to be fucking fabulous. among the best. no one else has everything i have to offer, just as i can’t try to slide into the skin of anyone else’s life.

yvonen
providence, RI
ivy league sexthusiast
lady liberal to the church of cunts n'        bruises

Rob: "Seriously... your tumblr is so NSFW. Or class. Or anywhere other than my bedroom. With the door closed."

I post a lot. I post a lot of: cute things, naked things, wordy things, ranty things, and goofy things. I think life is for lawlz and I swear like a sailor. I also think foil is hilarious and that staring really hard at someone while cackling very loudly is an appropriate way to show affection. Go figure. I should probably be banned from the Internet.

You can ask me stuff.
Sometimes I write personal shit.
I also happen to be super-vain.
Reach at yvonenspring@hellokitty.com