metablush

(Source: ruinedchildhood, via clairesawyer)

from “Commencement” by Cannon

…We’ve been told all our lives it’s wrong to hit people. And you know what? For the most part that’s true. But for some of us, it’s woven into the very fabric of our sexual imagination. The problem is that our society doesn’t teach us to recognize the crucial difference between “askin’ for it,” and asking for it.

…The only way to achieve this is through real, honest communication. And that includes clearly stating what you aren’t willing to do. Being kinky or sex positive doesn’t mean that you’re expected to consent to everything under the sun. To the contrary, it means that you’re expected to make conscious, honest decisions in these regards, even if sometimes they’re just educated guesses. But you have to talk about it.

…See, my society misled me to believe that I’m supposed to instinctively know exactly what gets my partner off. And on top of that, by some divine grace, I’m supposed to have godlike skills in this department. And it seems like society has been teaching girls to think that if they have to tell their partners what they want, it’s because their partners don’t really love them. Because clearly, mind-reading is a manifestation of true love. And if their partners aren’t getting it right, [patronizingly] well, you just go on and make all the right noises anyway to make him feel like a real man. Because that’s what normal people do.

While we’re on the subject of sluts & self-respect

I find that a lot of feminist writing ignores or glosses over the fact that sexual promiscuity does not always stem from a healthy place. IMPORTANT: I will still maintain till my deathbed, of course, that regardless of why you’re having sex, you have the absolute right to keep having (consensual) sex without being judged as morally corrupt based on something stupid like your quantity of sexual partners, or your openness about sexual activity. But I think it is important to recognize that especially for people with severe insecurities, sex is sometimes likely to become a person’s sole tool for self-validation in a way that is profoundly unhealthy.

I am hesitant to write this post at all because I don’t want it being skimmed/re-interpreted in a way that makes it look like I think all sluts are deeply insecure, and that you can’t respect yourself and have lots of sex at the same time. I clearly don’t think that, and it is unfortunate that that is the dominant social opinion. But sometimes, in the web of sex-positivity and the reiteration that consensual sex with anyone, any time, is always normal and healthy and wonderful, it is possible to lose sight of why you’re choosing to have sex in the huge empowering cry of well, it’s my damn right to! It is your right and it always will be. But just like you probably shouldn’t carry a gun for no reason other than the fact that you have a right to it, you probably shouldn’t have lots of sex ONLY just because you have a right to it. If you have a reason to own that gun (and it can be personal or whatever, from “it makes me feel safe” to “i just love the feeling of holding one”), that makes your ownership more substantial. If you have a reason for being a slut (you’re having fun, you like this model of sexual behavior, you’re experimenting with fun people), that’s awesome! That’s the best possible world.

But if you’re having sex purely to make yourself feel desired, purely to try and combat some hidden part of yourself that isn’t really related to sex at all? You still have every right to have sex and not be thought of as a lesser person for it. I do not advocate stopping people from making sexual decisions just because they might have some insecurities (unless its coercive, obvi). Yet in this kind of situation, you have to understand that the number of people you sleep with won’t necessarily make you happy unless you’ve figured out how to be internally happy with yourself. Not trying to feed you bullshit like “respect your body more”, because thats not it. Just pointing out that sex, just like any other person-to-person interaction (although this one can be seen as more intimate than say, shaking hands), functions best when it is driven by genuine emotions, not attempts at distracting from real problems.

It is possible to drown in multiple pointless unemotional one night stands.

And when I figured that out and really examined (a) how I felt about myself, and (b) how I felt about sex, that is when I started feeling healthy and secure about my decisions and my experiences. That is, my experiences as a slut. Loud and proud of it.